Season Two: Chapter and Verse
by Dr. Dredd
Summary: Written for a Mission Report challenge. Let's just say that John has a... unique writing style.


Elizabeth looked at the huge pile of papers on her desk and sighed. Her chief military officer usually had to be threatened to do mission reports, but when he finally wrote them he didn't cut corners. The stuff on the desk represented almost a year's worth of missions, and would probably take her hours to read.

Her eye fell on a single sheet of paper as she was picking up the first heavy treatise.

_Siege III_

_We thought this was the end of it all_

_And the city was going to fall_

_I was on a suicide mission_

_With some nuclear fission_

'_Till Caldwell's fortuitous call_

_-_

Elizabeth grinned. Obviously John couldn't completely bring himself to focus.

-

_Intruder_

_From Earth, on the way back_

_The computers went out of whack_

_A virus sent by the hive_

_Crashed Windows 95_

_Bill Gates, you are such a hack._

_-_

_Runner_

_This was when we met Dex_

_Who can bench press several car wrecks_

_He found McKay in a tree_

_And soon cut him free_

_Can I keep him? He will save our necks_

_-_

This last one led to a snort. Ronon often acted like a big, enthusiastic puppy who knocked things over while wagging his tail.

-

_Duet_

_Laura Cadman got stuck with McKay_

_In his head for more than a day_

_They bickered galore_

_And bitched at Dr. Z more_

_And poor Beckett sure earned his pay!_

_-_

Poor Carson, indeed. Elizabeth wasn't sure who was more embarrassed: him or Rodney. At least the physician got a new girlfriend out of it, though…

-

_Condemned_

_On Olesia all was not well_

_Their leaders were going to hell_

_To save their own skin_

_They fed the Wraith their own kin_

_It's only their souls they did sell._

_-_

_Trinity_

_There once was a man named McKay_

_Who had a penchant for saving the day_

_'Til one afternoon_

_A planet went boom_

_And now he stays out of my way!_

_-_

Ooh. She was still pissed at both of them for that!

-

_Instinct_

_Beckett was finding a way_

_To turn a Wraith back to human today_

_A young girl at wit's end_

_Thought herself it could mend_

_Only to find it was no child's play_

_-_

_Conversion_

_Ellia bit me in the arm_

_Almost led to me buying the farm_

_I was becoming a bug_

_Despite powerful drugs_

_Until a last-minute cure stopped the harm_

_-_

Elizabeth shuddered. She'd really thought they were going to lose him. And what a horrible way to die! She couldn't imagine feeling her humanity slipping away, although she suspected people with Alzheimer's experienced something similar.

-

_Aurora_

_An Ancient ship fighting a war_

_With a crew too old for much more_

_Against the Wraith they did strive_

_And found a way to beat the Hive_

_Remember us, they did implore_

_-_

_Lost Boys_

_Lieutenant Ford showed up again_

_With a band of not-so-merry men_

_He planned to blow up a Hive_

_But it just didn't jive_

_Even with a little help from his friends_

_-_

_Hive_

_Rodney thought he was shit out of luck_

_And knew he was totally stuck_

_So he almost OD'ed_

_To cause himself to be freed_

_And withdrawal did totally suck_

_-_

Talk about stating the obvious! When it was all over, Rodney looked like he'd been put through the wringer. Carson didn't look much better, either.

-

_Epiphany_

_I was bored out of my head_

_Hanging on to hope by a thread_

_Those people were nice_

_But their life had no spice_

_And they had me fight the Beast in their stead_

_-_

_Critical Mass_

_Steve had a snake in his head_

_He wanted to make us all dead_

_And the truth was out there_

_In his glowing-eyed stare_

_But we blamed Kavanagh instead_

_-_

Elizabeth frowned. Not her proudest moment.

-

_Grace Under Pressure_

_There once was a woman named Sam_

_And McKay was her biggest fan_

_Trapped under the sea_

_It was her he did see_

_Alone in that giant tin can_

_-_

_The Tower_

_We found a city of opulent means_

_That was run by some dumb kings and queens_

_They seemed to be doing quite well_

_But how was I to tell_

_That they just wanted to get into my genes_

_-_

Rodney had done a lot of snarking about "Captain Kirk" after that particular mission.

-

_The Long Goodbye_

_Lizzie got a gun_

_And thought it would be fun_

_To hunt my ass_

_While yelling sass_

_She almost killed me before she was done!_

_-_

She was so going to get John for that one.

-

_Coup D'Etat_

_The Genii were not very nice_

_They'd kill you as soon as look twice_

_Then Ladon thought it would be fine_

_To send Cowen back to DS9_

_A nuke did the job in a trice!_

_-_

_Michael_

_We created a new guy named Mike_

_And told him it's us he was like_

_He's human against his will_

_And probably out there still_

_Awaiting the best time to strike_

_-_

Elizabeth grimly made a note to herself to never let the CMO see that particular bit of verse.

-

_Inferno_

_The volcano was going to blow_

_Killing us all in the lava flow_

_But Rodney was smitten_

_With a scientific sex kitten_

_And saved our asses again, don't you know_

_-_

It was official. The people she worked with were three year-olds.

-

_Allies_

_It was a deal too good to be true_

_Offered by Michael's Wraith crew_

_Get rid of some of the bugs_

_In exchange for Beckett's new drugs_

_But they also claimed Earth as their due_

-

After finishing the last limerick, Elizabeth wished there were more. Secretly, she agreed with John that writing and reading mission reports was a drag. Suddenly an evil grin crossed her face. How much would O'Neill pay to see these?

FIN


End file.
